Any new relationship is full of challenges. Everyone has his own experience, but sometimes we face similar issues. Gay couples experience many common problems. When you’re going through them it’s good to know you’re not alone. Here are 10 red flags to look out for when you start dating someone.
Some people think that coming-out is a great weight off shoulders, and if you’re that kind of person, your partner might be not. You may appreciate his choice, but over time you’ll probably feel uncomfortable: hiding from people, struggle while deciding what to post to Social Media… So if he’s in relationship with you, it would probably be better if he went through it. Be prepared that for many people it takes time. It may result in positive experience, but sometimes it may lead to negative reactions (from family for instance), and your partner might be afraid of this. So, talk to him and tell him you will be there and 100% supportive whatever happens. And don’t put much pressure: for some people it takes some time to get to the point where they feel comfortable and confident.
Your patterns don’t match
There are number of reasons gay couples might have troubles dating or living together: preferring different routines or shift work. Quite a familiar story. When your man is back from work and ready to sleep, you’re getting up and drawing back the curtains. And then you come from work and tip toe in bedroom trying not to wake your love. Of course, you may try to sleep in different rooms as a last resort, because there is a lot of value placed on sleeping together. So the great advice would be to plan your scheduling in advance.
Sex helps couples to reinforce emotional and physical bond. However, as time goes by, maintaining closeness can be difficult: different levels of sex-drive, it’s getting boring, no satisfaction etc. The good news is that there’s no such a thing as perfect sex. You have to find the key for what works best in your relationship. Sometimes the solution is to be creative if it’s not that passionate, sometimes it worth visiting a doctor. The important thing you should remember: it’s not the end of the Earth and everyone is different. Love is more important, other things can be managed.
Dealing with partner’s friends
You’ve heard the story: you’re in a relationship with nice man, but his friends… you just go crazy. But they are you’re boyfriend’s friends – you start to reason. And then you’re trying to find something nice about them. And there you go…but when you meet again you can’t stand them.
Maintaining a distance and spending time with your friends is OK but it might have an effect sometime. It’s best to come clean and tell your partner that you don’t like them. Don’t be defensive, just recognize that not everyone gets along and it’s fine.
You may want to judge your partner by his friends, and it makes sense, but don’t forget that if he’d met them today he might not be friendly with them. Sometimes there’s just a history.
Same-sex couples usually don’t mind the age gap. The couple themselves may not consider the age difference but do sometimes feel they have to justify and explain themselves.
Furthermore, there are some things that perhaps require more consideration. First and obvious – it’s good if you share the same values, interests, and lifestyle. But if one holds PHD and teaching in university, and the other one is a basketball player it may not end well.
Age-gap relationships may illicit a reaction from people, including family and friends. It’s not always the healthiest thing to retreat into yourselves, but usually the longer you’re together, the less this reaction will persist.
A strong emotional connection between partners is much more important than age difference: if you’re 30 and find a 50-year-old man much better suited for you, than it’s OK and it’s more important that you’re happy than what people think, because people tend to forget about things if you’re not showing your reaction.
Nothing in common
There is an Instagram account with more followings than presidents have. What is that? Pictures of «ideal couple», «couple doing everything together». This bullshit makes real-life couples to pathologies themselves for having difficulties.
Of course, it’s crucial to have at least same values, but you don’t want to forget that people are different. We’re driving further and learning from others. You might be a saver carrying a little organizer in your bag and get thrill from your spontaneous partner – that’s not that bad. A healthy choice is to work out a strategy which will satisfy both partners.
Shared values are quite important
If your values are fundamentally different, the breakup is the healthiest solution. Even if you have the same interests, when it comes to marriage or living together, you may find you lack strong foundations that help couples to stay together.
Arguing about money
It might be so simple to date someone within your salary and attitude towards money. Yes, but it rarely happens. For most couples it’s a natural process to find your partner concerned about savings, or making unnecessary purchases. The key is to be completely honest and have a conversation. Make sure you’re both clear on how you plan to share finances.
Different relationship patterns
In the old days there were dating and marriage. Now it may be “just banging”, friends with benefits, housemates, open-relationship and a lot more. Besides, you may see relationship as total openness and would love to be honest, while your partner find it difficult to share everything with you. Even if your ideas are different, you will agree on certain things to make life easier. Just try to understand the reason behind: perhaps you were in a very different environment. Sit and have a talk: if it’s important for you to have a marriage, and you partner seems not to share the feeling – then it might be a good point for a breakup.
It’s a destructive emotion, which sometimes goes hand-in-hand with depression. It begins when one starts to feel he is not good enough for his partner.
If you understand this and find yourself not a jealousy-type, and your partner seems to be, you have to talk to him and explain all these things. Tell him you think he’s a really nice person and that you love him. And if he becomes consumed by jealousy, the healthiest choice is to visit psych.